I read this morning about DJ AM (Adam Goldstein) death and the specualtion he committed suicide. The post traumatic stress he suffered was because he and his daughter were kidnapped. For what ever reason, he felt compelled to lend his voice to the issue of PTSD and child abuse. My post this morning is about child abuse survivors who suffer from PTSD because of child abuse, and those who consider or actually commit suicide. The sad and misleading thing is, child abuse is never listed as contribuiting factors in the cause of death. “They were depressed…., alcoholic….., mentally ill, etc.”
I tried suicide several times, and thankfully I wasn’t successful. Then there was the last time. As I held the gun in my hand, knowing I would be successful, the one thought that stopped me was I didn’t want to cause anyone I loved the kind of pain I was going through. I knew my death, and the trauma of finding me dead, would forever haunt them.
As a child abuse survivor, my life was such a bundle of hurt and pain, I had no idea where to begin fixing it. Because what I experienced was normal (to me) I really didn’t know why I always felt depressed and often suicidal. I just knew life was one hurtful event after another.
If you are a child abuse survivor reading this and considering suicide, know this; It isn’t that you want to die. You want the pain to stop and the only way you know how to do that is to end your life. Please reach out. There are other ways to make the pain stop. It’s not easy. But nothing is as bad as what you’ve already been through. The first step is to reach out for help.
I remember thinking, “who do I call? 411? what do I say? ‘hello, I think I’m going crazy. can you tell me who to talk to?’ I thought if they really knew the thoughts in my mind, they would lock me up. I knew crazy people (my thoughts at the time) saw psychiatrists. When I called, they couldn’t get me in to see the doctor for a month. Didn’t they know I was going crazy now? I managed to wait and I’ll never forget his first words to me. “So, what’s the matter with you?” I was dumbfounded. My first thought was “If I knew what the #!*#% was the matter with me, I wouldn’t be here.”
I share this with you to specifically tell you to continue searching for help until you find someone you are comfortable with. I never got much help from a psychiatrist, with the exception of one (out of five). It was the psychologists who held my hand during the darkest hours and lit my path during my recovery. Please seek help if you are suicidal. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
For all who are suffering mental anguish, my prayer for you is “May a thousand angels surround you with their light to show you the way out of your pain.”